time flies

Duty...

I've heard a lot about this little word lately and has caused me to think quite a bit about it.

"What are my duties?"

"How am I doing with them?"

"What do I need to work on?"

and so forth.

It's kind of overwhelming sometimes! I know the Lord doesn't ask us to do anything that we can't handle, but sometimes I wonder what the Lord sees in me that I don't.

I sometimes feel like I'm a big disappointment to my Heavenly Father.

I try doing my duties but sometimes it's just so dang hard! I know life isn't supposed to be easy, but I get so exhausted sometimes. Right now I'm struggling in this area.

Saturday night, our ward had a huge Luau. There was so much food and so much preparation and work! Since I'm just on the committee and not the chairman anymore, I was trying not to stress over the whole thing. I had to go into work that morning and I ended up working all day. (which was very tiring in itself.) In fact, because I felt bad for not being able to come set up for the Luau, I left work an hour earlier than I should have. I came straight over to the church and started helping. I'm not saying I was the only one helping by any means! Some of the other committee members and their children were there almost the whole day!

I'm just saying, it was exhausting!

One of the ladies I work on the Activities committee said that if it weren't for our kids, we couldn't have ever gotten done! Yes, her kids and 3 of mine were there working their tails off to help get ready for it. Then, people starting coming and having a great time (which is the purpose of an activity right?) but we had to keep the food and water coming. While Lee was serving food, I was helping in and out of the kitchen. Our kids sat alone in the back. I was telling Lee, our kids don't know what it's like to go to a Ward Activity as a family and just enjoy it without working. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing but I feel kind of bad about that. Sometimes it's hard to see all the other families enjoying themselves and my family is scattered around working.

But, it is my duty to help.

Then, I get a call from the Primary President saying that she won't be there Sunday for Primary because she's going back up camping with her family (which is great because she needs time with her family) . So she needed me to conduct Opening Exercises for her. No big deal, I know, but to tell you the truth, I was kind of mad. Not at her, but just at the circumstance. I was exhausted! But it's my duty as her councilor to fill in for her, so I did. To be honest with you...I've been burned out for quite sometime. I knew I would be exhausted after Saturday and all week I was thinking of excuses not to go to church on Sunday. But I couldn't because

I had a duty to do.

Going to church these days is exhausting in itself! Emma won't go to nursery because it all started with a traumatic experience and now there isn't a chance in hell she's going. So I'm trying to do my duty and work in the Primary with a very demanding two-year-old. Lee can't take her to Young Men's with him so I have to have her with me in Primary for a good part of the time. It's distracting to everyone. Try giving a Sharing Time or filling in at the piano with a two-year-old! She just won't sit quietly next to me, I mean she is two!

And don't get me thinking of Visiting Teaching. I feel so bad for the ladies I visit teach. I'm a horrible visiting teacher!

I guess what I'm trying to say is doing your duty is really hard. I want to be able to say that I do my duties well, but, I don't. I try really hard, but I still don't do it well. It's like everything in my life. I'm kinda good at a lot of things but not really good at anything.

It's so discouraging.

But on the upswing...

I do see the hand of the Lord in my life and

I know that I am being blessed for my efforts.

I see that on a daily basis. I don't know why the Lord still continues to bless me and my family. I am just grateful to have a Heavenly Father who loves me and my family so much!

I just feel bad and wish I could do a better job.